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xtremelyBS7
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Name: Me
Metro:
Gender: Male
Interests: music, theatre, outside/outdoors/etc, the world and how it pertains to all five senses, people, Cauthorn 213, memories and recollection, truth, meaning, philosophy, and love
Expertise: the only time one could ever say they were an "expert" in something, is on that day... many years from now... when you're lying in your bed, every bone in your body hurts, you cant talk, you cant move, you cant be anything except "there". at THAT time... you can close your eyes... right before the end... and feel comfortable knowing that you are an "expert" at living and surviving every single, stupid, terrible blow this world threw at you.
Occupation: Music Producer
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  USE GOOGLE TALK!!!
Member Since:
10/6/2004
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ps
everything has changed since the end of everything else. at the moment, im not too sure whats gonna happen. lots to think about... and write about. i started a new journal on here, for me, and its secrecy has helped spur my writing habit once more. i can learn about myself once again.
as it stands, the confusion, regret and memories are weighing quite heavily. a spill and its all over... right? but this is all pattern in my life. i guess ive learned that it never goes away but only varies a small amount with each chapter - mostly do to the company i happen to be keeping. recently, ive lost a lot of company and gained quite a new variety. i wont lie... im scared. one of my worst nightmares came true again and i feel powerless - but thats another part of the pattern. always the bad guy.
so what to do? im in corvallis and will be until i hate it again. the move and graduation REALLY helped and i love it here (fucking ironic). ive been making a point to get out more, meet new people, stop being a hobbit. i really miss communication and the people i was able to do it with frequently. its hard filling that gap again as best friends have always been hard to come by in my life. but thats a challenge ive been meeting for years... another pattern.
however, fuck patterns - i make my own luck. there are always similarities between moments in this life. am i more aware of this than most? as a sensitive individual, i care not to indulge my demons. god knows ill be fighting them now and forever after that.
this journal is such a legacy for me. some of my darkest and lightest hours dictated on e-paper. such a child of this century with values that resonate across the line of human evolution. yet, we are all so unique...
what does it all mean? i havent found the answer, nor am i looking. i am 1/4 of a century old and have more time than necessary to live, learn and love. i will/should stop looking for answers to typical human questions. how would that change anything anyway...? its just another form of control. yet i digress...
...im psing because "the end" is absolutely not the correct way to end such a device as this. the story will continue and i will have all my senses open. im starting over as i always have - alone, scared, curious, driven, and excited. along this journey, i picked up more than enough necessary tools to get the job done. but life isnt a job... its an experience. it hurts, it blesses, it confuses, it torments, it lightens, it enlightens, it changes, it consumates, it envelops, it soars, it swings, it detracts, it angers, it loves, it destroys, it opens doors, it leads to the future. as we continue bettering ourselves, the road gets brighter.
ive come to expect this... but im clueless as to what is about to happen.
good.
thanks for the memories and the ability to reflect on them. thanks to the readers and the comments. thanks to deirdre dao for the beginning. thanks to crystal bradford for the chase. thanks to sacha bernards for the romance. thanks to kara peterson for the life, love and support. thanks to dylan and lyn for the time. to everyone else, for there are many - thank you as well.
thanks to me for having the courage to speak. words - ill regret some, admire others and keep the rest for myself. this is life, and the beauty of. as i continue on into the next phase, ill have these experiences and learnings right beside me. life plays a cruel game... so play along and deceptively break the rules when necessary.
if applicable, i recommend you read your stories here as well. its fun to reflect - it allows you to grow. if youre in here... youre always welcome to stop by.
peace, love and bulletproof marshmellows.
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what a journey this has been... and i say no more. really... everything that needs to be said is already present inside this journal. read if you like...
its time to start living.
thank you xanga for always being there these last five years.
what a fucking trip.
B-rad
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well it was bound to happen sooner or later. probably glad it was sooner. probably.
quite unbelievable though. the man doesnt even know me. i cant get there. certainly reminds me of quite a few ugly situations. there are many types of people - when my type and their type clash...
boom.
i didnt get my point across at all. actually i kind of ruined that chance, but i guess thats just my pattern with these important relationships. one can never be fully heard i suppose.
goddamnit. so back to writing this dull field report and spending the rest of the day in a hot little room filled with noise. i suppose it doesnt get any better than that right now. two more goddamn weeks.
B-rad
ps. catching up with old friends is quite good. its been happening more frequently this year... | | |
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im sitting in a chair that doesnt feel too good after youve been sitting in it for more than hour. i just finished watching meet joe black...
pain.
its also morning right now - the early kind. i havent Z'd yet. fml.
sitting and pondering the "why's" and "whats" of this world typically ends with the thinker realizing he is only fabricating more of the same imponderables. the trick to fighting is forgetting or moving on. ive played that very card so often lately. i dont think its working. of course, neither is any alternative.
im just plain old exhausted.
still doesnt mean ill be sleeping anytime soon.
does life ever shut the hell up?
B-rad
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just around the corner now but it doesnt really feel different; probably because its always been secondary to almost anything else in my life. of course, its kicking my ass now in the midst of everything else.
this system is so corrupt. however, this argument has gotten me nowhere in the past - so ill ignore my intelligence and open up a can of fail, which will oddly allow me to succeed at getting done what i want to get done.
like i said - corrupt.
"lost in space with fools". absofuckinglutely.
B-rad
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